Wearing busyness like a badge

I was a brownie. That's a really young girl scout for those who are not in the know. I had the whole suit. At the time, they had a shirt with a cross-over tie thingie, sock tassles, and the whole gig. But my favorite part of the outfit was the sash that held the badges! A proud display that you could wear across your chest so everyone could see what skills you know and what you've earned. Well, when you put it that way...of course, as a young 7-year-old I was ready to earn every one they offered. It really didn't matter what I learned from it. The most important thing was to earn the badge and have Mom sew it on the sash!!! There was a lovely trio of badges that fit together to make a half-circle. You received one for each year in the troup. I can honestly remember the internal drive in grades 1-3 of needing to earn more badges than anyone else in my troup. My mom was definitely not pushing me...I would pore through my manual to see what I could accomplish to earn badges. And there were pins! JEWELRY! It really was the excitement of my young world to earn such things. I did virtually the same thing in children's church. We could memorize Scriptures and creeds to earn points to spend in a "store." I rocked the memorization so I could rack up on erasers, pencils, stickers, and buttons.

I forget how much I like to wear "busyness" like a badge. Something I've always done...played the martyr to my too-full schedule, practically doing an over-dramatic Victorian fainting spell when anyone asks me how things are going. What is up with that? Why do I thrive on zoom-zoom-zoom and being overworked? I think that as a producer personality, I can point to something tangible to prove my worth. Somehow, if I am making lots of commotion and generating something--schoolwork, events, etc.--then I am being a valuable citizen (in my own mind). It makes me look better to you out there.

I am busy right now. But I will not, cannot, keep giving in to the myth that busier is better. It is not. My soul isn't at rest when I have filled my plate beyond capacity. I will do whatever I can to get through these next few weeks without melting down. I will not try to wear it as a badge, because it's not a badge that the Kingdom of Heaven gives out...just the kingdom of the world. I am working on this thing of not comparing myself to others to prove my worth, but receiving my worth from the Lord. The Lord likes me still and silent and poised to hear Him. I haven't yet earned my "Be still and know" badge. I think those get handed out in nuggets of wisdom, in acts of compassion, and in moments of sincerity that come from the being still and the knowing. Ah, but earning badges seems so much easier to me.