Chronic Concentration Face--My Cross to Bear

One of my favorite English professors, Dr. Bird, from "back in day" at Winthrop wrote about me in a campus-wide post this week. It's ok. He cleared it with me first. He didn't change my name to protect the innocent, but it's ok, since the "crime" listed is one I've been accused of a lot. Read on. It's a good post in any event. I'll be back after the post to wrap up, so for heaven's sakes, don't miss out on THAT. My part of the story is in yellow, but do read it all. You'll be a better person if you do.  :)

The Weekly Reader

March 5, 2012

3.20

An ongoing publication of Winthrop University’s Teaching and Learning Center.  Past issues are now archived on our webpage:   

http://www2.winthrop.edu/tlc/mainresources.html

What Does That Make You and Me?—Dangerous Assumptions

You know the old line about what happens when you assume. That sad result is not always the case, but often enough, it is. I have been thinking lately about some of the assumptions I have made about students, some recent, some long ago. I want to highlight a few.

This semester, I have a student that I knew was going to be trouble, from day one. Conrad, I’ll call him, since it is possible that not a single current student at Winthrop is named Conrad. Before the first class started, when the students were sitting silently, checking their phones, or talking quietly with a nearby neighbor, Conrad was bouncing off the wall. He was talking very loudly, seemingly to no one, breaking the code of silence that students follow on the first day. When class started, he had a comment at every turn, sometimes with a raised hand, but usually not. Every time I asked a question, he was the first to answer, or to try to answer.  After a few days of this, I could see the other students roll their eyes whenever he opened his mouth—which he did all the time. And he spoke so loudly! I just assumed he was impolite, oblivious, and self-centered. I knew I would have to have a talk with Conrad to try to rein him in. I did not look forward to that little talk, having had some version of it with troubling students several times over the years.

Then one day during a group exercise, I heard him tell his group members something. (How could I not hear? He spoke so loud that people in the next class probably heard him.)  Just these three words from Conrad changed everything:  “I am autistic.”

What? I could hardly believe my ears. In my limited experience with autism, Conrad’s behavior was not what I had come to expect. Soon after, I asked him to meet me in my office so I could ask him what I could do to help him. (Nothing, he told me, and that turned out to be pretty true. He is a very autonomous person, and as it turns out, an excellent student.) I told him that I appreciated his contributions to class, but that I worried the class was depending on him to do all the talking. I asked him if he could wait and let others talk first, then add to the discussion. No problem. And behavior changed the next class period. Conrad’s, but also mine. In short order, the rest of the students changed their behavior too.

Last semester, in another section of this course, I had a student, “Sherman,” who I could tell was totally zoned out.  I knew that he wasn’t paying attention in class.  He looked either bored or disgusted.  As I talked or other students talked, he kept his head down, his face hidden by a hat, his hands doodling instead of taking notes.  Early on, they had to write a short paragraph during class, then read what they had written aloud to members of their group. Sherman’s group finished before the others—because Sherman hadn’t written anything. I was furious at his insolence and lack of participation, but I let it go.

At midterm, they had to write an in-class essay. I was busy doing something else, so I did not notice what Sherman was up to. Sherman was up to—nothing. Which I found when I began to grade the essays.  I was missing one. Sherman’s.  Before the next class, I asked him to come out into the hall. I was furious, with a half semester’s frustration built up, and now he was going to get it from the old man. “Where is your essay, Sherman? Why did you not turn it in? And why did you not do any of the other in-class writing that you were assigned? Is this class just beneath your contempt?”

But he came back to me with a very sad look. And then he said, “Oh no, it’s not anything like that. I just didn’t think anything I wrote would be good enough.”  I immediately got off my high horse. Sherman had written the best paper in the class on their first big out-of-class paper assignment. I asked him why he couldn’t write that in-class essay. “I don’t know,” he said. “I just panic. I can write, but not under those circumstances. I freak out, knowing that I won’t be able to write anything good while I am sitting there with the whole class. I knew it was 10% of the grade, so I figured I would just take that deduction and try harder on everything else.”

Another set of assumptions on my part. If I had continued to labor under them, the student who was potentially the best in the class might have made one of the lowest grades.  Sherman and I worked that out. He was astonished to find that I would make some accommodations for him. I guess Sherman had made some assumptions of his own.

The final story takes place several years back, maybe fifteen years ago. This student hates me! She thinks I am an idiot! No matter what I do, no matter what I say, she just sits and stares at me with the same disapproving look. I tell a joke.  All the students laugh—except for Shelley. She just sits there, with that same disgusted look. Shelley hates me. Shelley thinks I am a joke. Oh well, you can’t please everybody. Let it go.

And then, the next semester, a new class, and who is sitting right in the middle but Shelley? Shelley hates me! Why in the world would she ever take a second class with me?

A few years, ago, I saw Shelley, and she told me this: “Dr. Bird, you were my favorite professor ever.”  What?

Sometimes my assumptions are correct. I have a large fund of life and teaching experience to bank on to make correct assumptions—but not all the time. These three little lessons—and many more like them—have taught me to question my assumptions about students. Maybe I’m right, but if I’m wrong… 

(end of his post)

Well, there you go. By way of explanation of THIS event, I was the only freshman in an honors class of upperclassmen. I had only recently declared myself to be an English major, and found myself extremely intimidated by everyone else. The class was only about 10-15 students, and we met around a conference-room table, so there was nowhere to hide. I was deathly afraid Dr. Bird would call on me, and I would be a stammering idiot. He and everyone else there seemed light years ahead of me intellectually, but the class was "American Humor and Mark Twain." I didn't WANT to drop it...I knew that being in there would stretch me. I did love him and the class, and couldn't wait to take another class from him. He taught me how to THINK better.

However, it does bring to light one of my interesting recurring life experiences. I have been told more than enough times that someone finds me "intimidating." Huh? In my head, I'm just a goofy, slightly pudgy girl with big brown eyes who likes to read. I do realize that I have two personalities, though. I have the let-my-hair down fun times side, in which I will sing silly songs that make up on the spot...in public, if required. The part of me that likes to cut up, poke fun, be sarcastic, laugh until I cry...

And there's the Type-A Shelley. That's the one that meets a deadline even if it involves bleeding or wailing. That's the Shelley that is intensely focused on producing the perfect product--be it a college paper, work report, logo, etc. The one that will stay up all night to re-do a draft or reprint a paper because it has one error. 

I was at a wedding once with mostly people I knew through church. One guy who was there I had seen around casually for at least a year or more. Now, I really like to dance...so when the hip hop gets going, so do I. Especially at a wedding. It doesn't even take any alcohol to loosen me up. I just don't have much shame in the arena of freestyle dance. I tumbled off the dance floor a few songs later and wiped my brow, laughing and probably goofily high-fiving my friends. This guy came up to me and just looked at me like I had three heads. "Shelley?" As if he didn't know it was me. "Um...yeah?" I responded. Seriously, dude. I thought you knew my name at least.

"Shelley?" he asked again. Ok, this was a little ridiculous. I had recently verified my persona.

"I thought you were all button-up and no fun," he explained. I had apparently flabbergasted him with my outburst of throw-down happy-dancing. 

It was then I realized, he had probably only seen me in my task-oriented element...getting the slideshow ready before service on the computer or delegating, handing out something, etc. I think Type-A Shelley can be a little scary.

So, in the past few years, I'm working toward merging these identities. In my defense, pretty much everyone who told me I intimidated them has come back to say their initial impression was off, and that I was much nicer once they were actually around me. Whew! I'm going to blame it all on my condition. I have chronic concentration face. Only remedied by fellowship and community. So, you all are my medicine. Here's to keeping me healthy and LAUGHING...and on time and with quality work...with a plan...gosh, I'm a hot mess!

Who is King of your kingdom?

Sometimes you just have to write it out. A missive to your own soul. Reminders of the meaning of life. You know?

I am a follower of Christ, a Christian, a believer...there are a lot of terms out there. And yes, so many of them have negative connotations in today's society.It saddens me that the term "Christian" has been sullied, and then I realize that I am probably to blame as well. I want to carry His name well. If a person REALLY reads the Bible and thinks through it, it's something that you would WANT to be true.

It's a kingdom upside-down, and by that I mean that meek people are blessed, poor people are taken care of, the last are first, servants (not slaves) win, sons AND DAUGHTERS prophesy, and there is room for both victims AND perpetrators. The hopeless have hope for healing and living in power that can break the cycle of sin.

It is a kingdom for liars, dreamers, and misifts. That is my church's tagline: "A church for liars, dreamers and misfits." For a long while, I had trouble with the liars part. Dreamer and a misfit...sure. And certainly, as a kid, I would definitely smack out a lie when the question was, "Shelley, do you know who made mud pies in the carport and dirtied all your clean clothes?" I'm not proud of it, but I was a schemer. But now, now I like to think I'm reformed. Shaped by grace. My mind is completely renewed, and I never ever lie. Right?

Hmm. Any time I try to pass myself off as smarter, cooler, or anything other than a child of God in need of His grace, I am a liar. Anytime I stand in judgment of my brother or sister or surmise things about their lives, I am living in deception. I make up my own version of their life and my own idea of the condition of their heart.

All of that to say...the kingdom of God is constantly trying to break in to our worldly kingdoms.Jesus himself said that the kingdom of God is AT HAND. It's not just that "one day" when Jesus comes down to earth for some final smackdown. It's HERE. Or else Jesus wouldn't have said "Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done on EARTH as it is in Heaven." We wouldn't need to PRAY for that regularly in the one prayer Jesus gave us if it was only an end-times eventuality.

Believers bring the kingdom of God to earth. When we are kind, compassionate, giving, meek, full of grace and mercy, loving. That's what will attract others to follow Christ. Christ is the only savior. No politician is capable of saving souls...or even the economy.

We've done a great job of setting up lots of kingdoms to bow down to. Entertainment, family, money, self, work, substances...the list goes on and on. While some of those things might not be bad in and of themselves, when they are what we bow down to and "worship," they usurp the power of Christ in our lives. When we say that JESUS IS LORD, we say that nothing else in our lives is stronger than the power of Christ. Nothing else is Lord. If you and I could only grasp that and live it fully, the world would change in a generation.

I am looking for ways to redefine my self-made kingdom of stress and comparisons. This song has really been speaking to me for a while. It declares that God reigns. He knows all and is Lord over all.

God I look to You; I won't be overwhelmed

Give me vision to see things like You do

God I look to You; You're where my help comes from

Give me wisdom. You know just what to do

And I will love you, Lord my strength

And I will love you, Lord my shield

And I will love you, Lord my rock

Forever, all my days. I will love you, God

Hallelujah, our God reigns...

by Jenn Johnson

{over everything!!!} Join the revolution. Jesus is Lord over all. No other kingdom will have dominion over me, my time, my thoughts, my family. Hallelujah our God reigns!

Be my guest, Tracey Rouse

My friend Tracey Rouse recently moonlighted as a guest star blogger on my Pastor's amazing blog. Her post so aptly describes what I feel my own calling is, that I decided to have her be a guest star blogger on MY blog too! Welcome Tracey Rouse, everyone.



I have been Executive Pastor at Renovatus for all of six months and feel fairly unqualified at this point in my career to impart inspiring leadership lessons. However, in racking my brain over what to blog about, I realized that what I do have is a lifetime of experience in following. I also happen to think that concept of followership is an understated precursor to leading well, so maybe it is a good place to start!



My all-time favorite TV show is The West Wing. Fortunately for me, Pastor Jonathan knows the show well and appreciates (or at least tolerates) the unending references to it that I make on a regular basis. There is a scene from the show that sums up the roles of the Lead Pastor and the Executive Pastor at Renovatus well, I think, or at least it does for me! The Deputy Chief of Staff says to the President of the United States in a particularly poignant moment, “You know what the difference is between you and me? You wanna be the guy. I wanna be the guy the guy counts on.”


I’ve never aspired to be “The Guy.” It is of absolutely no interest to me in any context, really. I always want to be “the guy that the guy counts on.” (This is one of the reasons my current occupation is like living the dream!) I’m guessing growing up as the daughter of a Brigadier General might have played a part in some of this. Honor and respect were non-negotiable in my house. We placed a high premium on dependability and integrity. And naturally I developed a profound respect for uniting under one vision, for trusting in a chain of command, for following the leader. Orders are not optional and commands aren’t up for consideration. In the military, these principles literally protect lives and protect the mission. And while it is an imperfect analogy, it still translates into our context of church leadership. Do you take seriously the ministry you have been called to? Do you recognize the high stakes of what it means to actually be the church?


If so, I implore you: Strive to be the guy that the guy counts on, no matter what your ambition or calling. Follow your leaders. Trust in God’s lordship over your own life and over their lives, as well. They will not lead flawlessly, but extend the same grace given to you when you do not follow flawlessly.


Follow your leaders as they follow Christ (I Cor 11:1). Follow in such a way that inspires and empowers others to follow you.


Tracey Rouse is Executive Pastor of Renovatus: A Church for People Under Renovation.

Christmas 2008 Wrap-Up

Typically, I get great joy out of wrapping a nice gift in some plain red paper and plaid ribbon...or some such configuration. I will attempt to wrap up a YEAR (hard to contain) in mere words (lowly containers, indeed).

So, if you'd like to stick around...here goes nothing.

Jerod and I have cruised swiftly through our FOURTH year of marriage! I can't believe that it's been four years already. We celebrated by taking a trip to Asheville/Biltmore, NC, at the beginning of December. (the first two pics)

I am slightly sad to say that we have only a few interesting milestones to share this year...(so if you were thinking of checking on the price of an 52" HD TV at Bestbuy.com, go ahead, I won't fault you).

We have been busy taking classes--his for teacher recertification, and mine for digital design. I have finished 21 of 33 hours (as of 12/10!) for my certificate. Lord willing, I'll be done at the end of this summer. No, I'm not sure exactly what I'd like to do with my meager photoshop and other adobe software skills...but I surely have had a BLAST learning this stuff and creating some meaningful projects. (click here for small design portfolio)

Jerod has been on his toes keeping up with his "kids" at school, and driving through Charlotte each day to go teach them. The work is draining and satisfying, as I'm sure all teachers out there can understand. He often gets feedback from current and old students about how much they love him as a teacher. I would have loved him as a teacher, too. He gets so darn excited about whatever it is he's teaching. His students this year have named him "The Math Daddy."

Good ole Winthrop University is my neck of the woods these days, as I continue to serve in the President's Office coordinating events and maintaining two historic homes. I love being at a place that serves as a home and a community as well as a place of employment. I think few people are so blessed as this. We're feeling the money crunch at Winthrop as a state-supported school. The state of SC keeps asking for money back...so at this point, we're nearly private. So, in that spirit, I encourage you to do all your Christmas shopping in the state of SC since it seems to be lack of money in the sales tax area that has been the biggest contributor to the shortfall. (Or fire Governor Sanford, whichever you can manage for me. :)

In March, I was again able to travel with the Men's Basketball Team from Winthrop to the first round of the NCAA Tournament. We were sent to Denver, CO, so I had a few days in the Rockies to explore, cheer on the team (we lost in the first round...), and see my cousin, Elasha. Elasha lives in the best little neighborhood near downtown Denver, and it was quite a treat all the way around.

June took us to Orlando, as I had convinced Jerod that we should use our economic stimulus check for its intended purpose. We had a blast at the Universal Parks, botanical gardens, and zoo. A great time for R & R after long school years for us both. My favorite was the Dr. Seuss land in Islands of Adventure. Everything looked candy coated and unreal. And of course I could ride "the Hulk" roller coaster all day without stopping (see pic below with my YIPPEE IT'S A ROLLER COASTER!! face). There is at least one post about that from June should you want to hit the archive and read all about it.

I don't know exactly what has happened to the last half of this year. One minute it was July, and the next, December. Classes and church functions and fun have been a blurry whirlwind, plopping us smack in the middle of the holidays. I still have my two faux pumpkins on the side porch with orange lights (not lit since October)...but the tree is up, and there is some sense of festive around the house.

Finally, I've been keeping busy with "The Birth: A Reflective Celebration of the Coming of Christ." A play that I'm singing in this Christmas...and also that I've done some of the graphic design for. There is a post from earlier this month with details about that. But for the sake of the wrap-up, between this play and the messages I hear at my dear Renovatus (church--click for website), I am reminded that the Jesus I believe in is very real. He very much came here to show us how to live. He very much wants to be part of our everyday lives. It is a truth that I face every day, as I navigate both "the mud and the muck" of this life, as well as the completely happy moments. Our community, our friends, our faith..it's the glue that hold us together.

Our hearts are grateful for another year to learn, to worship, to give, and to share with you. Merry Christmas, and may God bless you in the coming year.

Love,
The Joneses







Jerod's email: jeirdo@yahoo.com
Shelley's email: iamshelleyjones@hotmail.com
And, we're both on Facebook, too. Come "see" us!

My Christmas Gift to You

I have a long love of the stage--any stage. Not because I am the greatest performer, but more because I love the excitement, the rush, the edge of it all. (Speaking of 'edge,' I do wish someone had video taped my fifth-grade baton routine to the song "Fame--I'm gonna live forever!" as my baton came down unfortunately on the edge of the stage and was only saved by teetering on a mic stand.) I am a pretty lame actress, and my baton career ended, ironically, after the "Fame" performance. But I like to sing, and that seems enough for stage opportunities from time to time.

For the second time, this year I am privileged to be part of an intimate little production entitled The Birth: A Reflective Celebration of the Coming of Christ. We're very official this time around, as the director/creator spent countless hours setting up a cool website. I also got to test my graphic design skills by creating the poster (pictured).

So, I'm not just here to toot my horn...but to marvel in the story that we are telling. We are crafting an experience for our audience to participate in the Birth of Christ...the most cosmic and earth-shattering event that has happened since He created the earth itself! We are telling His story...we are singing His songs...and moving to the rhythms of His grace. It's quiet and powerful. It's entrancing. And I am humbled to take the stage here...my feeble attempt to illuminate the most amazing gift ever given. It's my Christmas gift to you.

We will step inside this story as He stepped inside a suit of flesh, to let the cosmic mix with the common. I invite you to join in the story of the ages, see the creativity of my friends who wrote pieces and songs, and of my cast-mates who offer their talents (like this boy offering his little star to the great big sky >>).

Visit http://thebirth.net and join us as we tiptoe on this sacred stage together.

The Fort Rock Stars

I often brag about how awesome my small group is--i.e. church small group. We call ourselves the Fort Rock Stars as we hail from Fort Mill and Rock Hill, SC. There is always great hilarity mixed with great spirituality. We have loads of seemingly dominant personalities, but somehow we have formed a community, seeking to be disciples of Christ, family, and fun.
A recent example: in the middle of prayer time (after 10 straight minutes of laughing time), John Zimmer prayed, "And Lord please help Paul...who has it all." (say it out loud if you need to and realize how awesome it is to rhyme while trying to be serious)
As with any pack of friends, we have our own quotes and jokes...and Michelle is the keeper of those. She will draw pictures if necessary to convey the moment. Elisabeth is loud and proud and is quick to let us know what is crazy with this world. Julia will cut to the heart of the matter and ask you the question(s)--40 usually--that will move you closer to God or will move her closer to understanding the matter. Paul sits in the corner with his own personal fan and drops on us alternate funnies and nuggets of wisdom. Jerod provides our insane animal trivia and the questions about faith that I can't begin to dream up. Richard was frightfully quiet at first, but has since become the master of the one-liner at the appropriate time. Iris lives out loud with an amazing mix of insight, acumen, and a lovely dose of humility. Dear Emily has been through more in the past two years than almost anyone I know, and the Lord has truly blessed her with a meek spirit and inner strength. She's our caring Mommy and our brilliant Harvard lawyer. John keeps us focused on the real meaning of Scripture, making sure that we are reading it well...then he shows off his white boy dance moves and makes me cry because I'm laughing so hard. And back to Michelle...her enthusiasm about everything is infectious...like you want to run and join whatever it is she has going on. And it's my job to corral all of this...(it's like herding cats). We nudge our hearts closer to the Cross, we learn patience and practice, and we laugh...the deep belly laughs of acceptance and love.
And just so you know the depth of our oddness, read this invitation sent via email to our group regarding this Thursday night's activity:
Kind people,
So as it is the Thursday before Thanksgiving Day,
So as we all may partake in gastronomical investigation,
In spirit of fellowship and healthful consumption of elements shared by our forefathers,
I, IRIS EMILLE ROWE HARTNESS, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Constitution and laws of the United States, do hereby proclaim Thursday, November 20, 2008, as Small Group Thanksgiving.
It would behoove you all to prepare or purchase a side item or dessert of your liking and bring herewith to said joyous occasion at the good hour of seven o' clock in the evening. Please respond to this communication piece with affirmative reaction and declare your intention to attend and what accoutrement will accompany.
Please take heed, the following has been fortuitously determined:
Main course: Hartnesses (Rotisserie Chicken...Since Emily did such a nice job carving the first one...)
Side: Jones (Stuffing ala Shelbur)

Good day and God speed.

And so, I give thanks right here on my bloggy for this awesome assortment of souls with whom I share my Thursdays.

What our country needs most...accountability

Oy vey. I'm up to my ears in political rhetoric these days. Not only the Presidential hotbed, but being in a "border-town," I'm getting all the North Carolina ads every 30 seconds. I live in South Carolina. I don't care about "Wasteful Walter Dalton" or crazy Kay Hagin. I'm tempted to DVR EVERYTHING I MIGHT WANT TO WATCH over the next three weeks and zoom through the mud slinging commercials.
So, a political post? Yeah. I feel the need. I got fired up watching the debate the other night. I have no desire to discuss the merits of either candidate...as I really don't think either one really has a total package. I have chosen my candidate, and we'll leave well enough alone. What fired me up was the discussion on education. I'm not an educator, but I am surrounded by them...my own husband and family members, and then I do work at a university that is the foremost teaching training school in South Carolina...
I hear the candidates talk about competition and vouchers, and I think they're missing the boat altogether. What our schools need is a huge dose of ACCOUNTABILITY...not only for teachers, but also for STUDENTS and PARENTS and ADMINISTRATORS.
We wonder why our students don't measure up to the rest of the world? We have baseline expectations for them, that's why. Just pass 'em through. No Child Left Behind grades schools on a variety of factors, one of them being attendance. Low-performing schools will do anything they can to receive a "good grade" on any part of this scorecard. So, often times, children who should be suspended for consistently deplorable behavior get to come to school and continue to disrupt classrooms so they are counted in the attendance. Students who sit in class and do NO WORK are passed if they "show improvement," because we need to move the students along...why? To increase the grade on the scorecard. And the teachers who fight with said students all year to get them to behave or to write something besides their names on an assignment are to blame? (can you hear me screaming now?)
I have lived through these scenarios. Parents today are quick to believe their children over teachers. People, teachers do not get paid enough to have time to hold a personal grudge against a child. They really aren't singling the kid out. They really don't have time to concoct bad behaviors and frame your child for classroom "crimes." Our society of "me and mine" has infected our classrooms. Richy rich parents want a completely customized educational experience, in which their children are appropriately challenged, but not so much that the child cannot make an "A" without studying. Parents on the other end of the socio-economic spectrum are just trying to get by, and often don't have the time or money to assist with their student's education. A call to the greater good would be in order for all of us. There are more children than just one in a classroom. Ideals of community have been lost on us over the past 30 years. A crippling selfishness is hurting all of us. These kids who disrupt have been enabled by parents who cut others off in traffic because they're in a hurry or yell at a store clerk for making a small mistake.
Better reforms in the educational system would be to hold administrators accountable for provided relevant teacher training, instead of throwing something together to check it off their list. Hold administrators accountable for disciplining unruly students, despite what it might mean for the school report card. Hold teachers accountable for teaching and interacting with students, for creating an environment in which students can learn HOW to learn, instead of how to pass a standardized test. Curious students will fuel a good school. Hold parents accountable for reinforcing good habits at home and make participation in their child's education inevitable. Reach out to parents who don't have resources...feed hungry students and provide real-world support. Let's learn some lessons about living peaceably together in community...about not lashing out when things don't go our way. While I'm at it...a National Standardized Test would give us benchmarks to see where we need to pick up the pace, or whose educational practices are working.
It's complicated, I know. Inspiring hard work and instilling discipline are more difficult than lowering expectations and a turning blind eye to bad behavior. If there's one thing I know about people, though, we really do like clearly defined parameters. We really do want to live up to expectations of others in a healthy way. We really do want to succeed if we're encouraged. We are selfish by nature, but in order to have a healthy society, we need to put some thought into how we can service the collective community through education. And I'm off to see if I can practice what I preach.

Penny Sue Price...or...Patience has a Price

I sit next to a lady named Penny Sue Price in my photoshop class. I knew better. There were so many seats I could have chosen. But there I sat, and as you know, wherever you land on the first day is usually where you end up...otherwise you upset the cosmic seating arrangement balance. Plus, you can create a folder on the desktop and store stuff there.
But Penny Sue might have been worth a move. Or maybe I'm supposed to be sitting there. The Lord likes to teach me lessons about myself and my pride and my ignorance through Penny Sues. Penny Sue is older, and most everything about the computer confounds her in general. She blames it for losing her files, for crashing (when it hasn't), and for myriad other things that it can't do by itself. She mutters constantly and blurts out questions during lecture...questions that make no sense. Even when she addresses a question directly to me, I usually have to ask her 12 questions to understand how she got to where she is in her problem. Sometimes I think we don't speak the same language. As I hurriedly try to refresh my brain for a quiz in the next class, she chats it up with me about solar power and her car payment...and the way she talks always makes me feel like I was dropped into the middle of the conversation and have no idea what she's talking about.
Basically, I don't understand how she got to this class with few computer and social skills. But I am starting to admire her tenacity. I would not have stayed. From what I can gather, up 'til now, the class may as well have been being taught in Chinese, because opening a new file is a challenge for her...and we are chugging along at a pretty good clip. She continues. She asks questions. She struggles, but she stays.
All of this to say, at first, I thought I'd continue to sit by Penny Sue because it would be a good thing to teach me some patience, and be another step in getting over myself. I am learning, however, that as I continue to see the less fortunate as "projects," I will never really get over myself. Julia reminded us last night to live from our HEARTS, not our MINDS. My heart needs to learn to love as Christ loved...and he loves ME in all my ignorance about the way HIS operating system runs. When I doubt whether he has lost my files or has crashed my life...I am Penny Sue. He continues to be patient with me and to love me and to show me that I am not his project; I am his beloved. I cannot conceive that He doesn't get frustrated with my ignorance and inability to learn simple lessons the first eight times He teaches me. But he doesn't. He is gentle and loving. And the more time I spend with Him, the more I become gentle and loving...less prideful, as though I have something besides His love to offer Penny Sue. That's ALL I have, humbly, together with His patience, as we both learn how to photoshop. Stay tuned.

Compassion, Justice, Jesus

So, I totally stole this video from Michelle Wheeler's blog (thanks!)...but it was too stirring not to post. How do we serve the poor and neglected in our everyday lives? Whether we're in cities, burbs, or countryside...there must be a way.

This video was shot entirely on a cell phone.
It won the Tropfest, NY 2008 Film Festival.
Click for link (I couldn't get it to upload!!) It's just amazing and poetic and beautiful.

For more, our Pastor spoke about this very topic on Sunday: link to study notes or link to web page for podcast.
How can I make this a way of life and not just a random, occasional act?

No sooner...

...do I pray for Holy interruptions, and I get one in the same week! Dear Friend stopped by to drop off some items for a yard sale...gets offered some of our dinner...sits down to eat a few bites before her next event...And ends up encouraging and ministering to us for hours. We were all knocked off our plans to go to a party, clean out a closet, and vegetate on a sofa. Praise God for people who question and listen and grasp tightly to a beautiful, simple faith. Praise God for community, even spontaneous community. And Praise God for country fried steak to share.

Why I am surprised?

When my day gets rearranged and things seem to fall in place as if by divine intervention...why am I always surprised? God just loves to interrupt me and "my business" and usually leaves a blessing behind like a calling card. And I have a sneaky suspicion it's just because he loves me. I shall leave the door open for him to come and go as he pleases. If he chooses to disguise himself as an interruption or potential irritant in my carefully-wrought agenda, I will breathe deeply and know that my life should be ruled be the Spirit and not by the clock. I humbly submit this proclamation in faith, that my dependence may bring far more for the Kingdom than my usual routine. I shudder to think what might happen next. But I need to be free from the suffocation and restraint of Time and Duty.

The Anchor Holds

What are Christian mime troupes to do? Ray Boltz, an absolute STAPLE in the cheesy Christian drama genre and a blessing to many...has come out of the closet. The man who brought us "Than You," (which I may have sung to my pastor when I was about 14 for an offeratory), "Watch the Lamb" (which I may have had to learn an entire "routine" to with dowel rods at a drama seminar--oh my), and "The Anchor Holds" (which blesses my dad unlike any song I've ever seen)...is gay.

Click here for story.

This issue is one that Christians must face. How do we LOVE homosexuals in the church? We have not done a good job with it thus far. It seems far more noble to love other people that we label "sinners." This is such a complicated issue, and it seems to be going nowhere. I have dear friends who have been vibrant servants of the Lord, who later come out of the closet in a flurry of confusion and condemnation. Some have embraced the gay lifestyle and have defended their Christianity. One such friend even has a ministry to gay Christians, after he came out in seminary. Another friend has undergone counseling, and felt compelled to reject the lifestyle and embrace the Lord's help in living a heterosexual life with a wife and child. Homosexuality is pervasive in our media unlike never before. If we call it "sin," we are labeled bigots--uncaring, uneducated homophobes. If we call it ok, we are not being true to God's word and laws. Unlike any other issue, I think it is impossible to "win" here. We aren't going to get anywhere by condemning people (have we LEARNED THAT YET???). We aren't going to get anywhere by trying to change people--hello. That's God's job. The simplistic response to an increasingly complex issue is to love them into Jesus' presence. Let Jesus do what He does. We should be responsible for extending God's love, without arguing or condoning. "What if they don't get fixed?" What if...it's God's responsibility to heal people who are in pain or deception? I still wrestle with these questions. I have friends who TRULY wrestle with these questions. What else can I do but love them?

I'm a Human Doing. Thoughts on Prayer.

(long one. no apologies.)

If you've come across me here before or know me in "real" life...you'll know my battle with being a performance-oriented do-er. It's one thing to struggle with that in the day-to-day life, but what about when it permeates my spiritual walk, too? God and I have had some talks about this need to mine to produce and be affirmed...constantly.

On one particular occassion a few years back, I was scurrying around preparing for a youth service at the church where I worked. I had done a good job on this night of delegating to volunteers--so good a job, in fact, that I worked myself right into having not a task to accomplish as the service began. What an odd feeling it was. Just the freedom to BE in the service and not worry about what needed to happen next. But my reaction to this freedom was the problem. The music began, and I started churning about what I might have forgotten, what else could be done...when God hit me upside the head with a thought just as clear as day. "Be a worshipper, Shelley." He didn't want me to engage with anything but HIM at that moment.

I tend to find this is the case. We want to know what we can do FOR Him, BECAUSE OF Him, or IN HIS NAME...instead of just being near to Him and letting Him move us to doing. The "being" needs to come well before the "doing."

So, our church had a week of 24/7 prayer last week. We all signed up for an hour-long slot and were asked to go to a particular prayer center in downtown Charlotte. Can do. Sign me up! I do very well with clear expectations. Jerod and I signed up for an hour each, in back-to-back time slots between 8 - 10 pm. We're there.

I expected a cold, dark room with a pillow...maybe a candle...and just some quiet for the Lord to reveal all His great and wonderful plans to me. I expected maybe to sing Hallelujah while doing arms gestures the moment I walked in the door. Instant epiphanies! I don't know what all I expected...but those were darn near close.

As we entered the space, we were greeted by a familiar couple coming off a two-three hour stint in the center. They explained a bit of what was there, and left us to it. There were stations, information, cozy chairs...there was dim lighting, beautiful decor...a shabby-chic, thrift-store, well-worn secret spot feeling...like "The Secret Garden," but with candles and ottomans instead of flowers. There were cubbies and DVD's, paints, paper, and Bibles, post it notes to write down secrets and names and prayer requests...and then there was me. Very overwhelmed. Here I expected to have a pillow and Jesus...and here is all this stuff...TO DO!!!!! I didn't know whether to cry or cheer. "But I didn't come here to DO!" I thought. "I came here to PRAY!"

I immediately set about going through the cubbies, putting on headphones for DVD's on various topics, such as discipleship, forgiveness, etc. I found myself at odds with the whole experience at first. I didn't come to listen to a person! I came to listen to GOD!!!! These quotes and photos and books and videos are all very cool, but they make me think about how I could re-create such a thing...that's a great font...where did they find that picture?...I love this chair...it was all becoming a project for me somehow.

God at this point is probably just chuckling at my denseness.

After being somewhat annoyed and trying to figure out how to open myself up to this prayer process, I finally ended up in a corner cubby. Most of what I remember about it is that the one word, "SUBMIT" was taped to the wall there. And there was a journal, filled with handwritten prayers/thoughts/quotes/verses and magazine clippings...like someone had emptied thoughts from his/her creative brain onto paper and gathered them all in a book. "What the heck...let's look at that. I'm not getting much else out of this yet..."

And, forty minutes into my first hour...I finally realized I had yet to PRAY (at the prayer center...I know!). As I pored through the journal, the Lord FINALLY was able to get through to me. The first thing that jumped off the page: "How can you lead others by still waters when you are in perpetual motion?" OK. Time to get serious. I continued to read, prayerfully now...asking the Lord to speak. Of course He did. He always will when we get still and quiet our brains and bodies and ask Him to.

Thankfully, Jerod and I chose to combine our hour slots and be in the space at the same time...so I had another hour and some change to get myself in the right frame of mind. Prayer can be so difficult for do-ers because it insists on your BEING first. You can't switch the two. You can't come into His presence with a to-do list and expect to get anything DONE. You have to come to him empty-handed. He does the work. That's why He says "my yoke is easy and my burden is light." He does the heavy lifting if we let Him!!! And that, my friends, is why RESTING in HIM and PRAYING is the best doing we can do. Start there, and the other stuff will make more sense. What He asks us to do will be more effective and less frustrating and just less...busy.

So, I've been singing this song lately...especially at the beginning of my prayer time:

Breathe in Your presence...Breathe out my prayers

A Holy Reunion

You whisper in my ear.

I long to see Your face,

I long to hear Your voice,

Wrap me in Your presence, Oh Lord.

Report on the report and thoughts on community

Well, I must say everyone pulled through with the Annual Report...albeit at the last minute. But, at the last minute is far better than AFTER the last minute. :) Go team!! I think we were finally hitting our stride as a group, despite the fact that all have very different styles. It was good to be stretched to design in a way that's different from your natural inclinations. It was good to have to come to a middle ground, so to speak, and blend our ideas. It was really entertaining to watch as three very opinionated people and two "just tell me what you want" people tried to decide on themes, colors, concepts, etc. I was desperate to sit back and let it roll. But you can only fight your nature so much.
It's interesting to watch "community" dynamics. Wherever that community may happen--in a class, at a job, on a committee, or at church. It is in all of our natures to compare and compete to some degree. You may never say it, but often you think "My idea was better than his..." or "So-and-so isn't working as hard on this as I am..." What I have to remind myself: we are all learning. We all have some valuable ideas. We all have contributions. Even the people that I may think are in left field...we should all be open to listening and learning from those whom we think have nothing to teach. Competition among a community is a killer. It kills ideas and creativity. It creates drama. It is the face of selfish ambition. Instead, we should find a place of encouragement and inspiration...a healthy competition to do one's personal best while making the rest of the group look good at the same time. Selfless ambition. Lofty goal. Hard to attain. Let's try, shall we?

Declaration of In(ter)dependence and Group Projects

I began a blog last week with the lofty goal of re-writing the Declaration of Independence as a declaration of INTERdependence within the kingdom of God. Being the Fourth of July week, I thought it appropriate. But I didn't get very far...

When in the course of human events it becomes necessary to seek out spiritual bonds that are greater than those of any government and to assume among the powers of heaven the station which requires those of the Kingdom of God to mutually submit to one another. The Laws of God and the Laws of the Earth are distinctly separate entities, which those of the Faith should recognize, despite causes that would compel us to retreat and separate from one another; we should run toward one another with the intent to declare the sins and missteps that cause separation from God.


We hold these truths to be self-evident through careful reading of the Scriptures. That all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are the right to take up a cross and deny their lives, liberty within the Law of God, and the pursuit of a Higher calling despite the unhappiness it can bring in the temporary life. To secure these rights, we might look to government, but it is a deeply flawed system that works on laws contrary to those of the Kingdom of God. We shall be both citizens of the state and of the Kingdom, working toward the greater good for both and for our fellow men.

That's all I wrote.
I revive it because this week I went to class, and my teacher said two words that make my blood run cold. "GROUP PROJECT." I'm sorry, what? Do you mean that I have to work with these people? People who don't turn things in on time and use ugly fonts? Really?
That has ALWAYS been my reaction to group projects. Prideful? Yes. Snotty? Yes. Justifiable? Maybe. Or maybe not. The Lord has been desperate to get me to understand interdependence. He keeps bringing me back around to it. There is no escaping the community aspect of a Christian walk. To summarize in short order...you can't be a Christian unless you have people around you to show you how to walk and to whom you practice extending the grace of God. It's all a group project. (excuse me as I break out into hives)

So, I'm waving the flag of interdependence. Even in my class project. I've opened myself up to the process. I will listen, extend grace, pray for inspiration and compassion, lay down my pride and selfish ambition. Lay down my right to perfection. Overlook imperfections in others. Give up my "right" to be offended. Watch out for my fellow students, both in the word and in the class. Give guidance when needed. Accept guidance when I need it. And on and on.

Surprisingly, I shut my mouth in class. Our group came up with a darn fine idea for an ad campaign. I'm going to let it play out with these ideas in mind, and see what beauty can come from allowing the Lord to be Lord in my heart and my hands and my mouth. I don't like it. But I think it works.

The Nitty Gritty Gospel

As if I could boil it down to bullet points...but here's a messy list of things rolling around in my head...Jesus was not joking when He laid out his church plan.

What I have learned in the last few weeks or have had reiterated to my soul:

1. My life is not my own. I signed up for the Jesus Journey, and I meant it. He has my passport, He's my travel agent, and He guides my steps.
2. My life belongs to others in my local church. My actions (or lack thereof) affect them. They have the right and responsibility to call me out when I take control of my Jesus Journey. (see Matt. 18)
3. I have to practice and accept unlimited forgiveness TO others and FROM God. I cannot hold on to anything like bitterness that will weigh me down as I travel. I have to trust my community to help me, to forgive me, and to pray for me. I have to forgive myself as I allow Jesus to forgive me, too.
4. I don't like all of this community stuff. It's so much easier to be fake, allow people to think I have it all together, and never ask for help. It's easier to breeze through each day without thinking of anyone but myself and "mine." It's easier to lift up my own needs.
5. I have to learn to embrace community. It is a discipline just like praying, reading, and worshipping. It will not come naturally to this self-reliant person. It runs contrary to the independent nationalism that has been bred in me. It runs against the "put on a smiling face" Christianity that I let myself get caught up in. "Never let them see you sweat." "Never let them see you fall." "Never let your guard down." Fight this propensity at all costs!!!!
6. "We cannot be saved apart from the church." I think that being saved is a daily process by which we are formed into Jesus' image. It unfolds like a great novel, with twists and turns and surprises and lulls and OTHER CHARACTERS who serve as protagonists and sometimes antagonists...but the Author weaves it all together magically. Salvation is not a moment in time. Salvation spreads out over our lives until we allow it to permeate our every action.
7. We learn about God's character by seeing it and practicing it. We learn about the depth of God's forgiveness when we realize our own need for forgiveness and then practice extending that grace. We learn about compassion when we receive it from another's hand. We can only learn to really love by loving and being loved...by PEOPLE. Our measly extensions of God's character are his character on display. None of this can really happen in isolation.
8. God can really work on us when we give up selfish ambition. When our way is not the only way...when our path is at His discretion. When we allow our dreams to conform to a God-shaped destiny. When we pray, "Not my will, but thy will be done," just as Jesus did when facing his darkest moment.
9. Jesus knows how deep and twisted we are, and longs for us to be free from prisons we've built for ourselves. Forgiveness is liberating. Extending undeserved mercy is empowering. Seeking the "kingdom" will bring blessings that we don't even know how to ask for. We turned "What would Jesus do?" into a bracelet and a fad...but the question remains...and the answer is usually..."the opposite of my first inclination!"
10. The Gospel has nothing to do with ceasing to sin or abating sinful practices. (shock and awe...I hear it rustling through your mind!) It has nothing to do with a scorecard that you keep in your pocket to compare yourselves to others as more or less sinful than they are. It is a powerful, life-changing walk that moves you to meditate and follow the Words of Christ and to imitate the character of God. In doing so, you find yourself less and less prone to OOPS! and more prone toward grace and compassion and...community.
Blast it!!! Community may be the hardest discipline of all. It leaves no room for pretense, no allowance for acting, but it's at the heart of a Gospel. "Whoever loves his brother lives in the light, and there is nothing in him to him stumble." 1 John 2:10
He is "OUR Father, who art in Heaven..." Not "MY Father..." Dang. I think it's easier to think of Him as all MINE in my little corner of my little world.