Peeling back the layers

Ever peel an artichoke?







I actually haven't before, but I can tell from pictures about what it's like. I had the oddest picture come to mind during church yesterday, though. The only thing I can liken it to is an artichoke. I had a picture of myself as a translucent (kind of glowing) egg-shaped thing. Perhaps that was my soul? And there were all these layers of dark petals around it, like a rose or an artichoke, but the layers were black. I could see a hand peeling back the layers, one by one, until you could actually see the inside. Or if we're still hanging with the artichoke theme, the HEART.
The layers were years of religious dogma, not grounded in the word. Years of being judgmental and pointing fingers. Years of putting up a facade of capability and performance. Years of pride. Thankfully, there is a hand peeling back these ugly layers that choke out the love of God. It's truth. The more I hear the truth, act on the truth and embrace the truth, the more God can peel back the ugly. Oddly, the layers protect me in a way, as I could see in my mind's eye how vulnerable the white, glowing center looked. Love makes us vulnerable. Loving radically almost surely sets us up for hurt. We can't be hurt by that which we hold at arm's length.
It's easy as Christians to talk about "those people." Whoever those people are to you. Abortionists, liberals, alcoholics, druggies, homeless, Muslims, homosexuals...and the list goes on and on. But the TRUTH of it is, Jesus died for "them" too. The same grace that I have received is a free gift to them too. And it's only our love + His grace that will change anyone's heart. Because what we're really after is not just behavior modifications. What would be REVOLUTIONARY would be people treating each other with respect and compassion. Putting others' needs before your own...walking in humility...being patient and longsuffering.
I die inside when I see "Christians" screaming and clamoring. As my pastor says, you are just another angry voice in a sea of angry voices. Jesus told us that "THEY will know we are Christians by our love."
What are your layers? What have you cocooned yourself in that keeps your heart safe and unexposed...and choked off from truth?

Hurry Up and Wait.

I like to think of myself as a fairly patient person. I do have deep faith in God, which should ultimately lead to all kinds of patience. I mean, if God is really in control...if His ways are higher than our ways and His thoughts higher than our thoughts...if He really has me and mine in the palm of His hand and the shadow of His wings...well, shoot. He can handle my piddly little life circumstances! (I'm going to "amen" myself. That'll preach, y'all) AMEN? Amen.

Whew. The last few weeks have definitely been a test of whether I believe all that. We started house-hunting. Somewhat accidentally on purpose. For some reason, Jerod decided that there were a handful he'd like to go out and see. I mean, yes, I have been keeping tabs on the market pretty well over the past 10 months. As in, he would mention a property he looked at online...and I'd respond with, "Oh the brick one with the cute porch and purple kitchen? I think it's too far out..." To which he would stare at me blankly. "Imagine what else you could do with all the brain power it took to memorize every house for sale in Rock Hill." Yes, he said that to me.
Well, what fun would that be? I'm a visual learner, so after multiple looks at a house and pictures, I knew where they were on the map and which one had a huge painting hung UNDER the window next to the toilet. For real. Who hangs a picture at knee-level? Should we even discuss what manner of stuff might get ON said picture? So, basically looking at other people's houses is a fascinating exercise whether I ended up buying one or not. I *might have created a new addiction.

Long story short (what's the fun in that?), we found a house we love just a few miles away. Double the square footage, very affordable, even closer to interstate...with a stellar front porch and sunroom. Pretty much everything we've ever wanted in a house.

I've never bought a house. Without going into a litany of the back-and-forth, let's just say the past few weeks have been a difficult emotional roller coaster. Waiting on phone calls, checking email...and now our house is for sale. I stare at my phone hoping someone is setting up a showing. Ring, ring, ring, phone.

Then, I remember to pray for our potential buyers. That our house will suit them just it has us. They will have a place to make lovely memories. Prayer. Feels so useless sometimes, but I remind myself that it's the feet to that faith that I profess. I'm not talking to the clouds. This whole experience is a good reminder of all of that. Sometimes you step out in faith and trust the ground to appear beneath your feet.

Lord, please help me trust you in the midst of all this waiting. Help me not to be a worrying waiter. Help me trust in your goodness and grace. Amen. AMEN!

God uses broken pieces

Grief touches us all. Sometimes there are seasons of life, sometimes events knock the wind out of our sails. I told you about a trying time for me coming to terms with the fact that I was actually depressed. That post is here. Ecclesiastes 3 sums that up pretty well:

There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
 a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

The only ways I know how to describe the feeling I had was either that I was lost at sea. I was bobbing up and down with the waves of life and catching air, but not really feeling that there were any life rafts. I felt very lonely and a bit paranoid that anyone else was able to help me.

Of course, through it all God was there. We had such a beautiful message on Sunday for those who were either in a season of grief or battling with something more long-term. About how God can use the broken places in us to bring healing to others and how, even in our pain, he is PRESENT with us.
Here's the link to that: http://renovatuschurch.com/#/podcast

All of this to say, it is good and necessary to remind ourselves that we are all human. That sometimes you just need to be sad for a while and sometimes you need to just CRY with someone else rather than try to cheer them up. I think as Christians and perhaps Americans, we are tempted to just put on a smile or say "I'm fine" when we're not doing so great. You don't have to let EVERYONE in to your cave, but you need to let SOMEONE into your cave. And even when your faith takes a beating, know that "Jesus wept" at the death of Lazarus. Odd, since he knew what he could do and was about to do--raise Lazarus from the dead!!! He wept because he wanted to share in the sorrow, not because he had no hope.

Be a lifeline to someone around you. Grieving alone is the worst. You don't have to have just the right words or any magic prayers. Pray for the peace of God and healing of the heart. If you sense a friend is down, ASK. Dig. Pray.

Take time to grieve when you need to. You get no brownie points in heaven for trying to paste on a happy face. Seek the Lord and His joy.

I'm doing much better these days, now that I've faced and named what was going on and have been using life boats of medicine and friends and even this blog. Joy really can come in the "morning."

If there's ever an answer...it's more love

Leave it to my wonderful Dixie Chicks to provide the title to this one.
The older I get and the more I learn, the more I'm convinced that the answer to ALL of the world's problems is love. Biblical, non-condemning, non-judgmental love. Somebody wise once said, "Love covers a multitude of sins." Another wise person said, "Love your neighbor as yourself." Seriously, if we could grasp that concept, even a little, and release our self-serving and selfish defenses, I think the world would be rocked.
It's a day-by-day thing to practice and learn. It doesn't come naturally to us at all. But it does work. Rewind to my eighth grade year....my first introduction to love against the circumstances.
I played the flute in middle school band. Being a fiercely competitive person, I was always practicing and vying for "first chair." I often got to sit in that seat. The three years of middle school, I attended three different schools. Our district was working some things out, and we moved a few miles closer to town. So in eighth grade, I found myself at a completely new school, though a lot of the faces there were kids I knew from elementary school.
We had band auditions for chair placement...I made first chair! I was so excited!! Until I hit the band room. The flute who had been first chair the year before was suddenly second, and was NOT excited to see me. I'll call her Jennifer. Jennifer and I had been friends in elementary school. But clearly, I had inadvertently stepped on some toes. Jennifer and all her friends from seventh grade were glaring at me, like I had stolen a boyfriend. It's not as if I planned it. You just audition, and the band director places you. About half the flutes were on Jennifer's "side." They would literally just GLARE at me, in the cafeteria, in the halls, in PE. I felt kind of ganged up on. They didn't really even KNOW me. Just decided I was the enemy. As was the case, I went to my mom for some whining. My mom wasn't a fan of whining. She wisely told me that Jesus commanded us to love our enemies. I was to proceed with that in mind. I would speak to Jennifer each day, be nice to her and her mean girls posse, and be kind in everything I said in front of them and behind their backs. I could do nothing but show love. They didn't necessarily deserve love, and they surely weren't giving ME any. But that didn't change the reaction that Jesus required. It took months, and it was pretty un-fun being the girl who received mean notes, laughing when I walked in the room, untrue rumors, etc. But LOVE WON! I guess it just wasn't fun to continue to taunt someone whose reaction was continually kind. I'm not saying I didn't want to haul off and hit her (though she was about a foot taller than I was)...but I held out. And we traded around the first, second, and third chair throughout the year. But, somewhere during that school year, the glares stopped, the snickering stopped. Oddly enough, there was another girl that year that I didn't even KNOW who kept sending me messages through other people that if she and I were ever alone, she was going to beat the crap out of me. But by the end of the year, she came around too. Perhaps I was an annoying person. I don't know. What 14 year old girl isn't annoying to some degree?
But Jesus totally helped me survive that year. LOVE. LOVE. LOVE. Our only response can be love.

As I continue to have epic battles of will with my nearly-two-year-old, I realize that that's what he needs to learn now. LOVE. We are nice and sweet because we want to show love to those around us. Because we aren't the only person on the planet. Because compassion and regard for others is a better tool for dissolving arguments and tension than any show of force or will.

I control my reaction. I cannot control how you treat me, what you say about me, and even how you might use me. I certainly can't contain or really control Shepard's fits. But I can control the reaction I give you and him. Parenting has really been challenging this in my heart. Shepard will learn of the world and its ways what I teach him. I want to teach him the gentle response, the Godly response. That though we might not deserve love sometimes, God is forever pouring it out. Discipline and boundaries are part of that love, but the Spirit is my guide: love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. (Galatians 5:22-23) My prayer is that our family will be Spirit-led and bear much fruit. And if there's ever an answer, it's more love.

Clothe me, Lord

I made a crazy decision to go a whole year without purchasing clothing for myself. A whole year, y'all. Here's the post on that in case you're not caught up on your "keeping up" reading...
I just felt that I should make use of the clothing I had and not feed my shopping habit. Some of you have asked me how it's going. I like to imagine about 400 of you cheering me on. I know this is also crazy, but it helps when I'm having a weak moment...
Like Friday. At Target. I went with no real list, other than Jerod needed some hair gel, Shepard could use some more socks, and I wanted to look at kiddo riding toys. I mean, why not just STROLL through the ladies clothing department? What could it hurt? I had a personal gift card I could use, so I wouldn't even spend actual MONEY if I found something. (justify much?) I looked and looked. I settled on a black and white tank top. I put it in the cart. I kept looking. I moved to shoes. If they had had those coral wedge sandals in my size, those would have gone in the cart too. I circled back into the clothing section. Tank top went back on the shelf. I really needed to pull down my summer/spring stuff before I go buying anything, I thought.
Come on, Shelley!
Then I moved on to the toddler clothes section. I filled the cart with cute little boy shorts and matching shirts for summer. Then made my way to the toy section...then felt compelled to go put most of the toddler clothes back too. I need to see what he has stashed away in the attic too, and since it's just March, there is no need to purchase his entire warm-weather wardrobe! I was having an all-out battle.
"Come on, Shelley, it was just a $9 tank top and some kid shorts..."

Yes, and it's more than that too. It's trusting God to provide. It's acknowledging that he is my source, for material goods and for my fulfillment. It's about being a steward of the closet I've amassed. It's about this:

 Matthew 6: 25“For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? 26“Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? 27“And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life? 28“And why are you worried about clothing? Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they do not toil nor do they spin, 29yet I say to you that not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these. 30“But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more clothe you? You of little faith! 31“Do not worry then, saying, ‘What will we eat?’ or ‘What will we drink?’ or ‘What will we wear for clothing?’ 32“For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. 33“But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. 34“So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

 And I realize that not everyone needs to do what I'm doing. But it's important for me. Likewise, on Sunday, it all came home to me with Colossians 3.

12Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.14Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony.

I think the Lord sometimes uses real-life lessons to show us what He wants to do in our hearts. He wants me to worry about a different kind of clothing during this season. Not about being beautiful or stylish on the outside for others to see, but about being compassionate and beautiful on the inside, because I allowed his love and compassion to flow through me. As our pastor said yesterday, we don't need to just put the old ways behind us, we need to adopt NEW ways. We need to move forward with things to DO and do them.

So, perhaps this year will bring some new God-colored clothes my way. And as much as I've always detested anything heart-shaped in my style, I hope that's exactly what I'm going to get.

Perhaps I need a new motto?

ps. In the continuing trend of God's uncanny provision, our dear neighbors offered Shepard a little riding toy yesterday...two days after I looked at them specifically at Target...I'm just saying.